Tuesday, November 21, 2006

holiday eating

Turkey Pants!

My mother trained me to always eat everything off my plate. To this day, I chomp down every single grain of rice as if she could come in the door and check whether my plate is thoroughly cleaned. That, combined with age-related issues…

An aside: I’m not getting fat; I’m becoming more fuel-efficient!

Okay, where were we? Oh, I just can’t put away as much food as I used to. And it’s hard when you want to make sure Aunt Frannie sees how much you like the candied yams, or glazed ham, or biscuits, or whatever she brought to our gathering. Then, there’s the loooooong wait while the ladies scurry about the kitchen laboring intensively while we have to have either a remote control in our hands or some kind of food or beverage. What else is there? Talk?? Pah-leeeze! Talking is for ninnies! Gimme that remote and let’s pretend we can only communicate by grunting! What’s that?? Someone else already has the remote control? Aargh! What else is there to do but… eat. Oh, there’s all kinds of snacks, and if you’re nice, the iron chef competition might let you try a sample of what’s being prepared, but even if you have to grab a box of Alpha-Bits, get something! ‘Cause if you don’t, you will be forced into a conversation and man, that’s hard work! I’d almost rather be cooking!

If I could do whatever I wanted, I’d hibernate ‘till dinnertime. My wife only let me do that once, but it was great! We went to visit my parents, and Mrs. Craver stayed in one room chatting with my mom. They get along great; it’s so nice. Meanwhile, I went in the other room to be with my dad. There was a game on telelvision. We uttered the obligatory greetings and there may have been a comment about the weather or how the grass is growing, but our appreciation for each other grew by leaps and bounds, when he got comfy in his recliner and I kicked my feet up on the couch and soon we were both engrossed in a snoring competition. Aaaah, sweet fellowship. Mom and Mrs. Craver made fun of us, and thought we were silly, but that’s okay.

So, the holiday day rolls around and there’s all this munching going on, and Mrs. Craver won’t let me unbuckle my belt and get more comfortable in front of “company.” Whatever. But last week, I saw a scene from Friends, where Joey discovered that maternity pants make great turkey pants. Hmmm... why not? TURKEY PANTS!!! How excellent! I think I need to go shopping now. Later, folks. And don’t forget to give thanks to the Lord.

12 comments:

Unknown said...

Sick and wrong on so many levels. Besides showing up in sweat pants and slippers gets the message across so much quicker (less expensive too - 29.99 to 34.99!!! C'mon).

Anonymous said...

That's a great story! I love the idea of Turkey Pants...Oh, btw -- I'm Brian.

Craver Vii said...

Stacey, Stacey, Stacey. You don't get it, do you. How could I possibly go in sweats & slippers. That, my dear is what would be wrong. You see, Mrs. Craver will be wearing those and she gets quite irritable when I copy her. No, this year I will be styling in stretchy denim! (I wonder if Chuck Norris wears "turkey pants," although it's certain he never wears slippers.)

Brian, welcome aboard, and watch where you step. I like solid theology, but there's an occasional silly banana peel that winds up in the middle of the floor.

Do onions make you cry? Mrs. Craver is prattling around right now in our tiny little kitchen preparing one of tomorrow's thanksgiving dishes. The end result is spectacular, but in the process, she fills the house with a thick oniony vapor. Good for eating... bad for sleeping. I fear I will wake up frequently tonight, and that makes me want to cry.

Even So... said...

Happy Thanksgiving Craver's all...

Jonathan Moorhead said...

Craver, so is that you in the picture or what?

Anonymous said...

It is not polite to discuss gluttony and it's consequent attire and behavior in public, Mister!

Craver Vii said...

jonathan, pretty close, but no.

greg, ex-friend of craver, Ha! You just wish you thought of it first! ;-)

JD, (even so...) you are my last friend. (sniff, sniff) Oh, and Mrs. Craver sez "Hi!" to the Hatfields.

(burp) That was the dog, not me.

It's in the 50's here this weekend, so I took all my little appetites outside and cleaned up the rest of the leaves as we prepare for winter. But I did not go Christmas shopping. Yesterday was the specific day to NOT go shopping, but I enjoyed not buying anything so much, that we did it again today. If you're curious, visit Al's blog. He has some great ideas for how to be good stewards this Christmas season.

Somebody's warming up leftovers... I gotta go ...um, work on memory verses now. See ya!

Anonymous said...

sorry to inform you craver that turkey pants were already talked about and suggested at my last church. our friend jeff insisted that men should have the elastic if not the adjustable waist. but it's the first to market it that gets the spoils!

Craver Vii said...

clc, your friend Jeff is a genius; I tip my hat to him. I had careful, modest portions of turkey, ham, and a really, really delicious Bolivian dish my wife makes. Yummy!

L.L. Barkat said...

I think I have a few of these I could lend you.

But you have to promise to wear them just like in your little ad here...belly forward, kissing air.

Craver Vii said...

I almost fell off my chair laughing!!!

Oh, LL, you are a purist; that is the ONLY way to wear them, isn't it?

L.L. Barkat said...

Yes. Especially if you have a belly ring.