Monday, May 17, 2010

ant rant

Today's post is (ahem) "a contribution from a guest blogger." Enjoy.

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The day began like any other day. All I wanted, was to do my work, and mind my own business... and be left alone. Believe me; I am no adventurer. About mid-day, after a long climb up the peonies, we went right to work, trying to open up the big buds. Everything was right as rain until this frightening thing grabbed the stem and shook me off of my work station.

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Placing me on the sidewalk, he barked instructions to an equally horrific, but smaller creature. This smaller one pressed a long copper strand across my back, so that I could not run away. Oh, I dodged it a few times at first, but it was persistent, and eventually trapped me. The original beast fashioned a loop with that same type of strand, and fixed that between my thorax and abdomen. Curse those opposable thumbs!! I tried to wrestle out of the copper shackle, but all my effort was in vain.

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Next, it constructed a laboratory where I feared it might perform all manner of sadistic experiments on me. I have heard of these things from scout ants passing through from other colonies. We dismissed them as fables, but they tell of a glass disc that focuses the sun's energy into a destructive beam that causes the victims to burn and explode. I kid you not; that's what they said! Now, I found myself immobilized under what I could only presume to be one of these disc blasters.

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Faced with imminent annihilation, I was determined to go out boldly. Mustering up all of my intestinal fortitude, I would look this opponent straight on. Fixing all my eyes straight ahead, I would deny him the gratification of seeing any fear whatsoever. Then... there was a light, but it did not come from the glass disc. Instead, it came from a smaller device that was only slightly warm. While at first, I thought I was to be experimented on by an evil mastermind, now I realized that I was the prisoner of a witless moron. The poor thing evidently did not know how to operate the infamous disc blaster.

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At this point, you are probably wondering how I got away. That is the strangest component to my story, as I fully expected that my captor would squish me underfoot, or cover me with chocolate and eat me. More fables?? No, I truly believe these creatures are capable of such atrocities. But no... instead, it carried me from his laboratory, back atop the peonies, and loosed the wire from my midsection. I was free!! I was on the wrong flower bud, but I was free!

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I appreciate the opportunity to tell my story. Good day to you all.

12 comments:

Shammickite said...

That's absolutely hilarious! There are a lot of Adam Ant's cousins on my peonies too. I bet he was relieved when you set him free, I wonder if he'll tell all his ant freinds and relatives about it and become a local ant hero. Or maybe it'll be like the chap who tells of being taken away by aliens in a flying saucer and nobody belives him....

EG Wow said...

I'm assuming you are the captor, Craver. Kudos for being so kind! Believe it or not, I photographed some ants this week for Macro Monday. :)

EG Wow said...

Ha! I see you already saw my ant post! Great minds, we must have great minds. :)

Gaelyn said...

Wow, I'm so glad you encountered a semi-friendly monster. What a terrifying experience. Good luck making it back to the right peony bud.

Craver Vii said...

Shammy, that UFO sighting track was on my mind the whole time! It's hard to take a perfectly still picture while chuckling.

"Great minds," EG? Well, I know YOU have a great mind, but I may as well be the lead paint poster child. I tried to get a clearer picture while it was on the bud (like yours); you got a couple of really sweet pics!

"Semi-friendly monster" is a great compliment for a guy, Gaelyn. As much as I try to earn peoples' trust, it is emasculating to be referred to as "safe." In case anybody would say, "awww... he wouldn't kill a fly," guess what I did next? Right. I killed a fly. Mwaaaa-ha-ha-haaaaa!

There is a line in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, where someone asks if the lion is safe. The reply was that he is not safe, but he is good.

imac said...

Oh dear, I do feel sorry for you little critter, fancy a big bully like that playing with you - he might have been trying to clone you too.

Nice bit of work and great reward Craver.

Chris said...

Excellent and wonderful funny post!! Well done, I loved reading it and I loved your pictures! Splendid post!

George said...

What a great story! Do you think you could get more from this author? I was really impressed.

mommanator said...

you have absolutely too much time on your hands, but it was really funny!

lime said...

wow! just wow! that last shot in particular is amazing in the detail. the story is just too cute. well done all the way around.

word veri: sitsmoo (a suggestion for your next subject to be a cow? how very far side!)

Craver Vii said...

Sorry Imac. The ant is gone, and it is now I alone. I can assure you though that I am not prone to clone a drone.

Thank you Chris. It was just as fun to take the pics as it was to put the rest of this together.

I won't even try George, because I don't think I could tell this one apart from his coworkers.

Insanity requires very little time, Mommanator. I definitely do not have too much time on my hands.

Well if the word verification authorities have decreed that I should post about a cow, I cannot deny them. Lime, we don't have many cows 'round here, but I may have one from a couple weeks ago. Oh, and Gary Larson is a genius.

This Is My Blog - fishing guy said...

Craver: You sicko scientist, LOL.